I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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