he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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