ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
