If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize