It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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