Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
