Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
