Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Found your dick twin last night
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
