I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
