We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
