Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
