Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
