I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
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