??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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