you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
