just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
