True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
