Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
