I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
