Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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