Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Drake has all the answers
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
