normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
