I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
