I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize