burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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