i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My vagina is officially offended.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
