It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
