Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
