Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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