I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize