if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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