please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
