I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize