what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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