Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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