where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
