life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
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