you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
being pregnant is like rehab
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
