gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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