my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
