why didn't you poke me back
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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