I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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