Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
this is an emotional support booty call
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
