The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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