Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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