We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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