we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Randomize
