I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
