one two three fourrrrnication!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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