Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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