I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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