My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
