my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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