oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
nutella sex= disaster
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
