Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
