can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
