So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
