His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
