I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
sarcasm needs its own font
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize