I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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