i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
