dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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