You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
