if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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