Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
