Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
