so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
