If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
