First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I'm really busy with my period
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