my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
