My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
