i don't like sucking hair
this beer tastes like vomit already
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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