Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
