you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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