i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
