I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
We talked him into tasing himself.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
