The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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